Who? What? II

Sorry interruptions are common around here, with a family of 6, four of which being kids its hard to avoid being interrupted.

So I was just talking about my friends. I think that list sums it up, oh I have another friend so to speak, known him for years, but we are definitely are not as close as we used to be. I would like to think he would be there for me if I needed him, but not sure he would if it was not something easy.

So we get back to why I am putting up this thing. I guess I think of it more as a journal than a blog. I am not trying to write for the people out there, just writing for myself mostly. To get out thoughts and feelings that I really feel like I have no other outlet for. And at least here, I am anonymous, at least for anyone who doesn't work for Google. And thats all I really want, to be able to say thoughts or feelings without having the worry that the person they are about will hear them. And I suppose it being up on blogger, is a bit voyeuristic, in that I am somewhat hopeful that someone would read them. Why? Not sure maybe there would end up being someone out there that said I understand, or I know where you are coming from. Something I don't feel like I have now.

I expect if anyone did run across this little place they would be utterly bored and move on quickly, so hopefully my quick wit and exciting internal dialogue does not mislead you.

So I gave my wife exactly what she asked for for Christmas. We are going out, having a babysitter take care of the kids, and we are going to a show and staying at one of her favourite places. It should be good, not great, the show will be fun but there is definitely a connected-ness that is not there right now. Heck its been gone for a while, but hopefully we will make the best of it. Its hard loving your wife, but not being in love with your wife. In our over 10 years together we've been in love a few times, but as time wears on I think the out of love is winning out. I know I am not what she wanted, and unfortunately I do not think she is what I had wanted. Oh they say be careful you might get what you want, I guess in my case that was true. I was so concerned that I would be a hermit living alone, dying alone, that I wished above all others to have a wife and family. Well I have them, and I love the kids dearly I could not imagine the world without them. But the rest is not what I expected, or thought it would be or wanted. I am not sure if I was deluded by the media, by high expectations, or by just not having a clue, but there always seemed like there should be more than what I feel like I have.

Speaking of hermits, my friend, the one I am sure I could count on, but really we do not know each other well, he is a hermit of types. Lives alone, is older, does what he wants to. Just suffered one of the most scary things you could think of, and I think he is finding out what life is about. His brother and sister are there for him, and we are as well. He is a really nice guy but I think he is finding that his self imposed isolation, and really thats what it is, though he may argue that, is not what it was cracked up to be. I think he always understood the value of friendship, and never really wanted to be alone, but then never wanted to possible go outside of his comfort zone and make the move into a more social setting. Like I said, I really think of him as I would have been at his age, but without the family, oh the family would be around, knowing how I am, I would have never have left where I grew up. Stayed in the old home town, it would have been depressingly boring, and filled with mediocrity, but I would not have known much else. So I guess I am glad I got what I wanted, at least in that regard. Its forced me to learn about the world and become more than I was. Its just not what I dreamt of, and I do not think I had a fairy tale of a dream...

Well all for now, I will post more when I get time. Its amazing I have so many thoughts I have in my head, its just getting them out that takes the time. But I do feel typing this out, even if its just for myself makes me feel a bit better. At least I have something that I can type all of me to. It may not answer back, but sometimes you just need it to listen...