All because of you...

Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD or something. I have an idea of what I am going to post or what I am thinking about then something will happen and I will go off on another tangent. For instance this, I was listening/watching the TV when U2's song "All Because of You" came on. And it got me thinking. What exactly makes me me? I know I would not be where I am without the people in my life, hell I would not even be writing this blog without the people in my life influencing me to do it. So is it that we are made by our actions or does our environment mold our actions which makes us, and thus we have no real control. Which actually runs quite contrary to what I still sometimes have difficulty not believing, that this is all just a product of my imagination, and that it is all my creation. Maybe thats a huge ego, or maybe its my need to be responsible for things. Not sure, but I suppose they just contradict each other.

But anyway back to the "All Because of You". I was thinking how I have gotten here, to this point in my life, all because of you, the people out there, well not really you, but the people that I know. I am writing words in a blog just because I don't feel like I can say them to anyone. I could say that to anyone in my life I guess, because of you I am here. Of course in reality its not them, its really me, but in this age no one is supposed to accept responsibility for them self are they?

Well I am not going to do that and say its all your fault that its you. I drive my own actions I make my own choices, even if by not choosing I am. So this is my choice.

I received, probably the best compliment, at least I think it was a compliment the other day. Here it is verbatim "well ya know if you screw as well as you kiss you should prorbably advertise". Sounds like a compliment to me. And no it did not come from my wife, and yes that brings up the fact I am not a perfect person. For good or bad I did kiss another woman, long ago, and for good or bad thats all it ended up being. I do not really feel guilty about it, not sure why I do not, maybe cause thats all there was, maybe because my wife did far worse, and well I would expect her to keep doing far worse. Not sure, but no I feel no guilt. If anything remembering fills me with a bit of comfort. I think I have only fallen for two women in my life, one of them my wife, one this other person. It feels good to remember the feeling of being in love, the excitement, the joy, the exhilaration. Everyone should be in love at least once in their life, the feeling of it will show you what living is about. Of course the only downside is like a drug, when you do not have it you want it. Its something you are always looking for, something you need, something your heart aches for. So you are left with the down.

That friend I said that knows me pretty well, that was her. The compliment and the kiss. I think I could still fall for her given the chance, but luckily (good or bad?) there will not be that chance. And maybe its cause of that compliment I felt the need to start this up. Cause I could not say to her, how good it felt to hear that, how much I needed to hear that, and things like that, that thats exactly what I am aching for in my soul. Nor do I want to complain about the other things in my life, things I have complained about before and really, as she has said if I wanted to "fix" them it really would be my choice. So here I am.

If you are noticing a rambling gait to these posts, please keep in mind the title...

I really have to respect artists that are able to take a feeling they have, or a common human feeling and express it so well in a poem or a song. Like for instance Green Day, and boulevard of broken dreams. Sometimes you just hear something that sums up how you really are feeling.

Well enough for now I think...