Frustration

I am so frustrated. My wife said earlier in the week she would like to plan a "project" of getting more time and having some nice fun, interesting, erotic foreplay. Great, awesome, thats happened like once in the last year, if that. Sex is pretty much 1, 2, 3 for her. Same steps, and finish at the same place. But I had no faith that anything would happen. Well I was right, last night, at about nine she says, I am going to have some ice cream and a bath, then go to bed. Exactly what I expected, so I draw her bath for her and she proceeds to do that. I go to bed myself at 11, try to be very quiet, get in bed. And she wakes up. Then she goes on and says to me while she tries to go to sleep that she thinks that I am not attracted to her anymore. Gesh, she is the one that blew ME off. I do not get it. If anything she has no passion for me, and has not for years...

Passion fruit

So what is the difference between love and being in love. Is it passion? Is passion the missing ingredient in that recipe? I remember when I used to wonder and think about what my spouse was doing all day, where she was, was she thinking about me, was she happy. I do not remember the last time I wondered about that, or even gave it a passing thought. Is that the difference? Is wanting someone so bad you ache, that you see them and you just want to kiss them forever the passion that fills both your heart and your loins. Is that the being in love, or is that something else?

Thinking about it I find it hard to believe that my parents were ever in the in love phase. That they felt that way about each other. Maybe its because I am their kid and cannot see that or maybe its because they seem so far from that now, heck since I can remember they seem so far from it. Life is just a series of walking through things for them, at least relationship wise. I can see them passionate about the kids and the grand kids, but not really about anything else. Does anyone after they have been together for a long time still have the passion. Is it a silly thing to want, to hope for? I wish I had an answer for that.

Tired...

I am so tired lately. Unlike most people I need 8 hours of sleep, well actually at least 7 hours of sleep. Going to bed at midnight and getting up at 5:30 is just not cutting it. Even going to bed earlier to make up for a few days of that does not seem to fix it. Or maybe I am depressed. Suppose thats possible too. Would not be the first time. Valentines day was a lot of nothing. I had hoped to pick up the ring that I had gotten for my wife, unfortunately the store closed early. See I do love my wife, I am just not in love with her. As she has said at times before we feel more like best friends than lovers or a couple. I suppose that happens after a time. Its just not very satisfying. I have found a few blogs that deal with people having affairs or getting a divorce. Their worlds seem so foreign.

Weekend...

Its the weekend already. Been a long, boring day. Tomorrow I work in the morning. During the week I am anxious for the weekend, time off, resting, relaxing. Why is it that its never as good as I hope, and come Saturday night I am waiting for Monday. This weekend is no different. My wife asked for her present to be a clean and picked up upstairs. So I spent the day giving it to her, or at least trying to. Kids rooms are picked up, two of three bathrooms are cleaned, and our room is picked up, clothes put away. I hope she likes it. I hope she feels she got what she wanted. I am not expecting anything myself, in fact I really do not want anything. I can guess what she would want to give me, and its not what I want. And if I were to say that it would not end up well at all.
I sometimes wonder what life would belike if I had made different decisions. Gone with different paths.
There is a song that goes "There's still time to change the road you're on." I suppose there is but that does not mean that its easy to do so. Or that it would not be a lonely path.

Its all just ones and zeros...

I think I am a lot better with computers than people. Thats my forte, thats what I do, heck its probably why I got into it. Give me a computer that has a malfunction and I can figure it out. Its easy, there are set of things that could be wrong, you know what the different options are and you plug them in. People are not at all like that, and I really do not get them, do not know how to work with them or to solve the problems. There are no answers that I can see, and it gets to be frustrating and sad. If you just keep staring at a problem and you cannot get it fixed or solved, it just gets more and more frustrating and aggravating.
I am sitting here staring at a set of problems that I have been looking at for years, and I feel like I will be looking at it for years to come. Sometimes I think the only solution will be when we are old and one of us goes. I am too weak to call it quits and I honestly do not think she will. We both are not what we could be, what we want to be. She could have been really happy really satisfied with someone else. Someone who listened better, who talked better, who was more what she wanted. I listen and I talk but not about what she cares about what she wants what she desires.
Some days are just so damn depressing. Some days just get you down wondering if there is anything that will change.
I do not want to be my parents, who at 35, 40, 50 years together are together, because well what else were they supposed to do? I do not want to be that, but I think I will be. I married for life, fully planning for that to be it, but fully planning to be happy in it.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like such a slouch for not feeling the way I am supposed to feel. For being in love. My wife had to take her car into the shop today, so she had mine for the day, dropped me off at work and then had the car for the rest of the day. She brought it back to me vacuumed, washed and armor all'd. Very nice and sweet and just a really great thing. But still I just do not feel like I am supposed to. Sunday we had a good ole fight about the same type of things as usual. About 4 in the afternoon she says she does not feel like I have spent any time with her all day, and yes its true. But I stupidly point out that she was gone all morning to church, then in the afternoon she was gone for an hour and half cleaning her car, then I was gone watching our oldest perform in his church choire. And when we were both home, at one point she was sitting watching her new favourite show with her friend on the couch.
So silly me for pointing out that it was not _me_ but we. I was not trying to invalidate her feelings though thats how she seemed to want to take it, but pointing out that it was not really an _I_ thing but a _WE_ thing, and that instead of saying it that way thus putting the "blame" on me it was something that was the result of both of us. That caused a whole argument that ends with "Fine. I do not feel that way then." Which caused a whole new argument about why she has to end arguments like that. It was not fun, it lasted way too long and it never seemed to get resolved.
Then we are going to bed and she on the side mentions she is bloated, her apetite has changed, and oh, she is having her period. So is that an apology cause her mood is off or not, I have no idea, but of course she cannot say she is sorry. *sigh*

What is regret Alex?

Its the feeling you are left with when there are things you would have said or done differently. But really its too late to change what was already done. The worst regrets that you will have are the regrets that you did not do something when you could have. At least thats what I feel. I have tons of those. I should have said this to her. I should have done that. I should have enjoyed that more. I should have realized how short a time it would be. That is not how you want things to go. So if you can realize that the younger you are, and start with the idea that in 10 years you do not want to be looking back and saying, "Man I should have gone to that party." Then start it now. Get your horses going. Do it, ask that woman out. Take a chance be remembered instead of being forgotten. Give yourself the option of taking the bull by the horns.

So that when you are at the end you are not left with just regrets, but memories. Thats what you should have.

Every now and then...

I feel a little bit lonely. Even though the house is full of people, albeit sleeping ones. Maybe I am in a funk. I do not know, I just keep wishing for something else, something more. And the only thing I am getting is sad. I had a wonderful day with my littlest ones, cuddling and playing. Somehow thats still not enough. I do not feel fulfilled. Or happy, I did then, but not now.

I remember not being able to wait to talk to someone. Wondering what they were doing every second of the day. Hopeing they were thinking about me. Obsessed with where they were. Ecstatic at being near them. Anxious that somehow it was not going to work. All those feelings not all good, and somehow I want them again.

Blah.

Turn around bright eyes...

Sometimes, well often I feel, like the bright spot in my life is my littlest. He is just 2, but he actually seems to like me and want me. All the other kids by this age had moved onto the mommy phase, the want mommy day and night. He actually seems to want me. He can wake up from a nightmare and ask for Daddy. I can be sitting here at the computer and he can want up on me. Or I can be sitting anywhere and he can actually just want to cuddle with me. Being wanted and needed like that feels so good. It may just be part of his age, but since I do not get that feeling elsewhere it makes you thrive on it even more. We have before sat on the couch and just cuddled for an hour watching some tv show I do not remember. For a 2 year old to do that its rare, they are usually up and running around doing something, unless they are exhausted and want to go to bed.

I think everyone goes through moods where they need to be cuddled and then they need to be the cuddler. They need to have someone latch onto them, make them feel needed, required, wanted, loved. And there are times they just need that other person there, so they can latch onto something solid to hold onto, to give them the closeness they need. The support. Maybe if you are missing those two things you are missing something in your relationship, and that deteriorates it. Or maybe its just me. Not sure I guess I have only really been in one long relationship in my life, long being more than 6 months. But thats what I feel like I need. Sometimes to be the rock, the foundation, the source of strength, and then other times to be the moss, clinging to the rock for support, steadfastness, and as a base so that I can grow.

I still find posting these carthritic, but there is something to be said for feedback, to know that you have been heard. Thats the only thing missing. But at the least I am getting to express myself, which is far better than I have felt before. And who knows, maybe someone will stumble across this at some point and feel like dropping a note...

Ventilation

Been a couple of days since a post. Not really had much to say, things are going okay. Well things are just going along, no change, I guess thats okay, a lack of deterioration is probably a good thing right. Unless of course you are already at your worst, then well I suppose its not a good thing.

My wife has always claimed, and I have no idea if this is correct, but I am guessing that it is, that some large percentage of marriages end in divorce due to money. That the couple is always fighting about money and thats the reason things end. I can believe that, but I am also thinking the next highest thing has got to be sexual compatibility. Hmmm well at least in couples under 60, though I wonder what the divorce statistics for those over 60 are. I am guessing not as high.

The reason I mention this is the problem that we have, is actually both of these, money and sex. See I am pretty conservative money wise, a penny saved is a penny for another day, when you could really use it. Like really bad. Oh I am not unreasonable, I like to get "things" too. I just also like to have things planned out a bit more and have a nice cushion. My wife is more of the opinion, if I have it spend it, cause tomorrow I could die. Kind of different philosophies. We have gotten by for over 10 years but man its made for some rough times. On the sex side, we are just not as compatible as we were. Before marriage, man it was great, but we both young, and well its always great when you are young right? Then kids happened, and things slowed down. And now we are done with the kids, and well its pretty much stopped. Oh once every 3 or 4 weeks, but when you really want 2-3 times a week still, that just does not cut it. I will not say that we were always compatible, heck I have always probably been a bit more cutting edge than she. More willing to go down the kinky side of the street.

I do not remember if I mentioned this before but I should have taken it as a sign, way back when, like maybe even before we were married my wife asked me "Would you want to divorce me if I decided I never wanted to have sex again." I said no, but I guess I should have paid more attention.

And the reason I mention this is man do I think about sex tons. I suppose you always want what you cannot have, but man noticing attractive women is getting to be all I do. There were two blonde ladies at work in the cafe at lunch, very attractive, and oh the things I could do... There is this blonde who works on my floor, the face of Jennifer Tilly, with a body thats got a wicked punch. As far as I can its not wrong to notice them, I mean its not like I have ever even said "Hi." to them. The only place I am guessing I am possibly crossing the line is having repeated thoughts about real people that I actually know and would want. Blah enough for now I am getting depressed.