Higher than expected turnout...

Well last night went pretty well. We had good conversation, the show was good, and yes we fooled around. It was not quite without the passion of usual, and did deviate a bit from our standard formula, but it does, disappoint me that so often it feels like its something that is done because its expected. Spontaneous fun, erotic, kinky, passionate, any, some, one of those would be nice.

I feel like I am a burden that she is satisfying. Thats not what its supposed to be, its supposed to be a mutually gratifying piece of love. Something you both want and desire, something you both need.

Its just not supposed to be that way.

Honest Mistake...

So tonight, as I mentioned is the night that the wife and I are going to go to a show and then spending the night at a fancy hotel. It should be good, the show should be fun, and the hotel we know is very elegant. Unfortunately with everything, tonight comes with the expectation of sex. Do not get me wrong I do not dislike sex, quite the opposite, I would love to actually have a sex life that included sex multiple times a week instead of once every 3 or 4 weeks. But tonights sex would be different, its the expectation. My wife expects that I want it, and thus its her "wifely duty" to provide. Yet if I tell her I really am not interested in that, it becomes rejection, which would ruin the whole time. So instead of having joyous, hot, passionate, kinky sex, it will be guilt ridden, the result only being an orgasm or two. Neither of us will feel satisfied, but she will at least be saying to herself that she did her "wifely duty".

Now you may be saying that well dude you just suck in the sack, maybe I do, I honestly do not know, I am obviously not a woman. Now of course, what wife that is not spiteful, would say you suck, my wife does not say I suck, in fact quite the opposite, but I have a hard time believing that to be true. We used to have sex or make love multiple times a week, even when we had 2 kids, young kids. But since our last child our sex life is crappy. We can go two months without anything. I've tried being extra romantic, candles, flowers, love letters, nothing seems to encourage it, and no I do not mean boom one night doing all that, I mean of a span of time. So maybe she just has lost interested, I would not be surprised if the fact that we have had our last child is the reason. Now there is no possibility that she will get pregnant, no more babies, and well really thats what the sex was for maybe in her mind.

I read or heard or saw someplace that they said for a man sex leads to better intimacy in the relationship, for a woman good intimacy is needed before sex can be fulfilling or good or whatever. Seems to me that means we are approaching things from the opposite sides of the road. The hard part is getting to meet each other halfway. Or even trying to meet each other at all. As I mentioned above I've gone to lengths to try to increase her feeling of intimacy, but obviously it did not lead to increasing my feeling of intimacy.

Right now I sit here typing this up with my 2 year old on my lap. And I think back and yeah it was the birth of him when things changed. But I would not could not wish for anything different, he is a bundle of joy. So if I have to suffer a bit, be unhappy for a while, he is well worth the joy that he brings. I guess all things have a counter balance. And he is it for this...

All because of you...

Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD or something. I have an idea of what I am going to post or what I am thinking about then something will happen and I will go off on another tangent. For instance this, I was listening/watching the TV when U2's song "All Because of You" came on. And it got me thinking. What exactly makes me me? I know I would not be where I am without the people in my life, hell I would not even be writing this blog without the people in my life influencing me to do it. So is it that we are made by our actions or does our environment mold our actions which makes us, and thus we have no real control. Which actually runs quite contrary to what I still sometimes have difficulty not believing, that this is all just a product of my imagination, and that it is all my creation. Maybe thats a huge ego, or maybe its my need to be responsible for things. Not sure, but I suppose they just contradict each other.

But anyway back to the "All Because of You". I was thinking how I have gotten here, to this point in my life, all because of you, the people out there, well not really you, but the people that I know. I am writing words in a blog just because I don't feel like I can say them to anyone. I could say that to anyone in my life I guess, because of you I am here. Of course in reality its not them, its really me, but in this age no one is supposed to accept responsibility for them self are they?

Well I am not going to do that and say its all your fault that its you. I drive my own actions I make my own choices, even if by not choosing I am. So this is my choice.

I received, probably the best compliment, at least I think it was a compliment the other day. Here it is verbatim "well ya know if you screw as well as you kiss you should prorbably advertise". Sounds like a compliment to me. And no it did not come from my wife, and yes that brings up the fact I am not a perfect person. For good or bad I did kiss another woman, long ago, and for good or bad thats all it ended up being. I do not really feel guilty about it, not sure why I do not, maybe cause thats all there was, maybe because my wife did far worse, and well I would expect her to keep doing far worse. Not sure, but no I feel no guilt. If anything remembering fills me with a bit of comfort. I think I have only fallen for two women in my life, one of them my wife, one this other person. It feels good to remember the feeling of being in love, the excitement, the joy, the exhilaration. Everyone should be in love at least once in their life, the feeling of it will show you what living is about. Of course the only downside is like a drug, when you do not have it you want it. Its something you are always looking for, something you need, something your heart aches for. So you are left with the down.

That friend I said that knows me pretty well, that was her. The compliment and the kiss. I think I could still fall for her given the chance, but luckily (good or bad?) there will not be that chance. And maybe its cause of that compliment I felt the need to start this up. Cause I could not say to her, how good it felt to hear that, how much I needed to hear that, and things like that, that thats exactly what I am aching for in my soul. Nor do I want to complain about the other things in my life, things I have complained about before and really, as she has said if I wanted to "fix" them it really would be my choice. So here I am.

If you are noticing a rambling gait to these posts, please keep in mind the title...

I really have to respect artists that are able to take a feeling they have, or a common human feeling and express it so well in a poem or a song. Like for instance Green Day, and boulevard of broken dreams. Sometimes you just hear something that sums up how you really are feeling.

Well enough for now I think...

Who? What? II

Sorry interruptions are common around here, with a family of 6, four of which being kids its hard to avoid being interrupted.

So I was just talking about my friends. I think that list sums it up, oh I have another friend so to speak, known him for years, but we are definitely are not as close as we used to be. I would like to think he would be there for me if I needed him, but not sure he would if it was not something easy.

So we get back to why I am putting up this thing. I guess I think of it more as a journal than a blog. I am not trying to write for the people out there, just writing for myself mostly. To get out thoughts and feelings that I really feel like I have no other outlet for. And at least here, I am anonymous, at least for anyone who doesn't work for Google. And thats all I really want, to be able to say thoughts or feelings without having the worry that the person they are about will hear them. And I suppose it being up on blogger, is a bit voyeuristic, in that I am somewhat hopeful that someone would read them. Why? Not sure maybe there would end up being someone out there that said I understand, or I know where you are coming from. Something I don't feel like I have now.

I expect if anyone did run across this little place they would be utterly bored and move on quickly, so hopefully my quick wit and exciting internal dialogue does not mislead you.

So I gave my wife exactly what she asked for for Christmas. We are going out, having a babysitter take care of the kids, and we are going to a show and staying at one of her favourite places. It should be good, not great, the show will be fun but there is definitely a connected-ness that is not there right now. Heck its been gone for a while, but hopefully we will make the best of it. Its hard loving your wife, but not being in love with your wife. In our over 10 years together we've been in love a few times, but as time wears on I think the out of love is winning out. I know I am not what she wanted, and unfortunately I do not think she is what I had wanted. Oh they say be careful you might get what you want, I guess in my case that was true. I was so concerned that I would be a hermit living alone, dying alone, that I wished above all others to have a wife and family. Well I have them, and I love the kids dearly I could not imagine the world without them. But the rest is not what I expected, or thought it would be or wanted. I am not sure if I was deluded by the media, by high expectations, or by just not having a clue, but there always seemed like there should be more than what I feel like I have.

Speaking of hermits, my friend, the one I am sure I could count on, but really we do not know each other well, he is a hermit of types. Lives alone, is older, does what he wants to. Just suffered one of the most scary things you could think of, and I think he is finding out what life is about. His brother and sister are there for him, and we are as well. He is a really nice guy but I think he is finding that his self imposed isolation, and really thats what it is, though he may argue that, is not what it was cracked up to be. I think he always understood the value of friendship, and never really wanted to be alone, but then never wanted to possible go outside of his comfort zone and make the move into a more social setting. Like I said, I really think of him as I would have been at his age, but without the family, oh the family would be around, knowing how I am, I would have never have left where I grew up. Stayed in the old home town, it would have been depressingly boring, and filled with mediocrity, but I would not have known much else. So I guess I am glad I got what I wanted, at least in that regard. Its forced me to learn about the world and become more than I was. Its just not what I dreamt of, and I do not think I had a fairy tale of a dream...

Well all for now, I will post more when I get time. Its amazing I have so many thoughts I have in my head, its just getting them out that takes the time. But I do feel typing this out, even if its just for myself makes me feel a bit better. At least I have something that I can type all of me to. It may not answer back, but sometimes you just need it to listen...

Who? What?

Just playing around with this. I have another blog that I actually post to, fortunately or unfortunately people actually read it. People I know and care about so I can not actually say anything that I am thinking or feeling on it. So I guess this would be more of a journal than a blog.

Lets see, so I need to decide if I am writing to anyone, or writing to myself, or for myself. I think I will do a mixture of both. So first off if anyone reads this, this is who I am. A guy heading towards middle age, married, with children. Not quite Al Bundy. More hair (for now), no beer belly, and hopefully a better parent. Been married for 10 years, have some great kids, but as with everything nothing is perfect. Maybe thats what life is meant to be imperfect. A journey to an end neither of which is exactly what you are expecting.

I work a regular ole geeky computer job, cause I am a regular ole computer geek. I have friends, a few, well okay less than a handful, at least friends that I think would be there if I needed them. One of them is my wife's best friend, whom is exactly that, my wife's best friend. Another is a good friend of mine, well good in that we would be there to help each other out but not like either us really knows the other that well. Typical guy friendship I guess. Then I have another friend, someone whom I think knows me pretty well, not perfectly, but I am not sure how there they would be for me if I needed them. I think a lot of that friend but really have no idea what they think of me...

Time for a quick stop...